Neglect

I am guilty of blog neglect. It has been a really long time since I have blogged. It is not that I haven't had anything to blog about, I think it is more the fact that I am still in a fog. It has been five months since my mom passed away and I am still not myself. I guess I am waiting for the magical day when I will wake up and realize that I will be OK.

I made it through today (Thanksgiving) by pretending it was just another day. Even though I pretended this holiday didn't exist because it was the first one without my mom, I am still very thankful for all my family and friends. I really have so much to be thankful for and realize that I am blessed.

Life has been happening all around me. Jacob is helping me to keep some of my sanity. He is just so cute at this age. I do have my hands full with him though, as he is a very smart little stinker. Josh is doing well at UNLV and I am really thinking that college is agreeing with him. I do see him starting to mature just a bit, which is a good thing.

I have a really nice class this year and work is going well. I am almost done with my current class at UNLV and have just one more class to go to finally finish the masters. I am soooo done with school and never want to step foot in another classroom at UNLV if I can help it. I wanted to go for my PhD at one time, but I think I am way too burnt out to even entertain the idea right now. Maybe when Jacob is in college I will be ready to go back to school.

Stress

Here are some of the things that keep me up at night....

1) Josh not passing his driving test
2) Josh passing his driving test and actually driving
3) Josh driving our car down to UNLV and getting me to work 3 days a week
4) Going to work and not being the stay at home mom that I have been for the last 3 months
5) Going back to work
6) Jacob is sick
7) Paying for school
8) Jacob going back to the babysitter and dealing with the separation and the guilt for not being a stay at home mom
9) How we are going to get Jacob to the babysitter in the morning because of Lloyd's new job and hours
10) Having to pay the babysitter more because she will be watching him 2 more hours of the day
11) Dealing with having a student teacher this year
12) Not feeling rested and prepared to go back to work or even having any desire to be there
13) Missing my mom so much and feeling depressed

Life

It was three weeks ago today that I got the dreaded call from my brother on the cruise ship that my mom had passed away. The only thing I remember from that day is that I collapsed on the floor and Jacob laying on my chest not leaving my side. My mom, dad, brother and his family were on a cruise ship to Alaska when it happened. Out of nowhere, my mom had trouble breathing and they took her down to the infirmary. After she got there, she went unconscious and was gone in a matter of minutes. There wasn't anything they could do for her because she had a pulmonary embolism (a blood clot to the lung). Since that day, I have been in a fog. It feels like when you have a head cold and you just can't think. I am having a difficult time trying to remember what people are telling me and just going through the functions of everyday life.

My dad moved in temporarily, since he can't go back home without my mom. They were planning on selling the house and moving up to my side of town when they got back from the cruise. They were married for over 41 years and he has never been on his own before. He is still planning on selling and moving closer. He is staying here until we can get the house ready and he can find something closer to me. We decided just to pack up my mom's stuff and go through it later when we are ready for that. It is very difficult for him every night and every morning going to bed and waking up without my mom by his side.

There are a few things that I am thankful for. First is that my mom really didn't suffer in her death. It was very fast and she didn't know what was going on. The other is that I don't have any regrets or guilt about not being able to tell my mom how I felt about her. She knew how much I loved her and I knew how much she loved me. It is just the incredible sadness because a huge hole is left in my life. I talked to my mom four to five times a day and I saw her about three times a week. She was my best friend, and my cheerleader. No matter how others may try to fill in that role, nobody can take the place of my mom. I miss her so much.

One of the saddest days of my life

My mom is gone...

I loved my mom so much. Just putting the word love in past tense is so painful. She was such an integral part of my life and I just don't know how I am going to go on without her.

It has been a while

It isn't that I don't have anything to blog about, I think I am just a little burnt out of blogging. So, I think I will do one of those quick life update blog posts.

School is out for summer, well sort of. I am taking a practicum class which is 5 weeks long for 3 1/2 hours a day five days a week. I find watching another teacher teach is asinine and boring. I only have two more classes plus this practicum to get the masters degree, so I will take one class in the fall and one in spring and be done. Then I only have 32 additional credits to get in order to sort of top out on the pay scale. They added another level of classes, but I don't want to think about it right now. Oh yeah and I will probably go for my national boards as well. So needless to say, I will be taking classes until the cows come home.

Josh actually graduates on Thursday. It hasn't sunk in yet that he will not be going back to public school and I don't have to get up at 5 am to take him to the bus stop. I probably won't feel it until school starts up again in August. Josh is one of those extremely smart kids with a very high IQ, but got poor grades after elementary school. I was so proud of him when he finally took his head out of his butt in the 11th grade and starting pulling up those grades. This final semester he ended up with 5 A's and 2 B's, his highest grades ever. It took him to get to his senior year, last semester to do it, but I am still proud.

My mom's 60th Birthday is Friday. She has had a lot of health issues this year, with things seeming to happen one thing after another. She was in the hospital for gout in her hand, her blood pressure is out of control at 205 over 100 and she still is in chronic pain from all her other health issues. I still worry about her every day.

Jacob is now 19 months old and he is so interested in learning his alphabet. He has leaned about half the alphabet right now and everywhere we go he points out the letters that he knows. He is so attached to my hip, that the imaginary bungee cord can only go about 5 feet before he freaks out. I am having a little bit of a hard time dealing with it because I cannot even go to the bathroom without him standing outside my door and crying. Got any suggestions?

Lloyd and I aren't exactly getting along right now. He needs to go see a doctor for his asthma, allergies, blood pressure, etc... and he won't go. He holds on to these things like they are his crutch and his excuse not to do anything and I am really annoyed by it. He is always complaining and never doing anything about it and I am tired of overcompensating for him. For example this morning, I am out of bed, showered, getting Jacob ready for the day (changing, feeding breakfast, packing for the babysitter) when I noticed ants on the ground in the kitchen under his high chair. I am running around like a crazy woman trying to do it all because I was thinking Lloyd was already in the shower and wasn't available to help me. Much to my surprise he was still asleep in bed. Talk about being annoyed. I can go on and on, but I think you get my point.

There has been so much more, but this post is long enough.. hopefully it won't be a couple of months until I post again. I will try and get around to post a comment on your blogs, I still read them, but don't always find the time to comment. I hope you understand.

To blog or not to blog

I have been so busy as usual that my poor blog has suffered again. This time it is almost a month since I have put anything up on here. I have been reading blogs, but just not leaving comments. Needless to say, I am making an effort to take the time to write something tonight. There has been so much going on as usual. My mom has had a slew of medical issues lately that had landed her in the hospital. She is home, but she still has me really worried about her. Jacob and Lloyd had the stomach flu this last week which has also been a lot of fun.

I am starting to think about summer and having some time off. Jacob is at a really cute age and is a lot of fun, so I am hoping this summer will be a blast. I am getting a little sad since I have really enjoyed my class of students and will miss them. It really has been a great year for me at school. I still can't believe that Josh will be graduating high school in about a month. No more waking up at 5am to take him to the bus stop (yeah!). On the other hand, he needs to start driving and get out there and get a job. Oh the joys of making your child grow up before they want to.

Our Backyard

We have had some work done on the backyard and here are a couple of the pictures. Basically we hired someone to get rid of all the 6 foot tall weeds and had them put in rock.